happy holidays

If the holidays were all about food, and food making the event, then it would follow that my happiest holidays were when I was eating like a fiend. But that is not the case. My happiest holidays are when I am not choking down all the sugar I can find after I'm already beyond full. They are when I've been forced to focus on the scene beyond the buffet: the lights on the tree, the candles, the people around me. To notice how other women take the time to fix their hair and do their nails, how they put on makeup and a spritz of perfume.
The thing about me though is that once I dive into the wheat and sugar, I could care less about anyone else in the room. In fact, I wish they would leave so I could hang out by myself with the feast. And I'm usually uncomfortable and finding it hard to breath (wheat allergy), and I feel like crap emotionally, and I am bursting out of whatever moo moo I've draped over my hulking form.
I am so grateful to be free of wheat and sugar this year. Slowly my body is changing.

The numbers on the scale have begun creeping downward. I am still surprized when I see pictures of myself - holy crap! I'm wearing a fat suit! But it's turning around. I don't have to be afraid any more. Actually, there's one thing I do have to fear: the little voice in my head that says I can handle one cookie.

one day at a time

After a long absence from this blog, I am back with an update. It turns out that I've chosen a time consuming task. The image in the mirror is the tip of the iceburg. Why do you eat after you're full? Why don't you exercise? If the answers are truly that the food tastes good and that you don't have time, then any number of diets will work for you. The truth is that most reasonable food plans will help you lose weight if you stick to them.
If the answers to these questions lie deeper than temporary comfort or convenience, if you find that you cannot choose wisely even when you "want" to, if there is a block that is more powerful than the urge to change, then you may have a problem that is not going to be solved by a new book. Unless the new book is about changing your mind first, then letting your body change. I'm following a new plan myself.
I'm in counselling again, I'm attending on-line support group meetings, and I'm reading a helpful book. But there are many good books out there to address the inside. They've been around for awhile but they're getting more attention these days as the obesity epidemic has the country bursting out of its fat jeans.

i am still doing it!

OK. Here's what I've done. I have abstained from wheat for awhile now. I messed around with the health food wheat free desserts and felt like crap. I am not talking about emotionally, I mean physically. Immediately. Well, the next morning I had to hold onto the dresser and bedpost to hoist myself into a somewhat standing position. And then I get the idea that what I need is more sugar. Yes. But I did not act on that idea.
So far.
In other news, I went swimming yesterday with my daughter at the YMCA. And then I went again today. I didn't think I was doing much but whoa! After I got out of the pool, I could really feel that my muscles were fatigued. I was just jumping around in my own personal water aerobics self led class, and then did some ballet barre work, then a couple of laps... you know... nothing much. Except that I was in there for about an hour and I am sore now.
So swimming: check.
Making wonderful meals from fresh organic food: check -- not every meal but a lot.
Writing down the stories in my head: check
I think that next I'll try going for a long walk in nature.

And what did it take to get me here?
Realizing that I don't have to be able to eat sugar like a normal person, and that there are others out there like me who can't do it either. And talking to them.
Knowing that I'm not alone.
That's what it took.
And now I'm crossing things off my list that were just idle musings before.

Soon you'll be reading about me in a national newspaper:
"Fat Housewife Saves Orphans from a Burning Fire!"
"Fat Housewife Foils Dastardly Plot by Evil Nemesis!"

well... I'm not doing that.

I just re-read my previous entry about the 10 week body sculpting class. And well... I'm not doing that. That was not a good fit. The good news is that it took only 5-7 minutes for me to figure it out and I hadn't paid anyone any money.

I'm doing it!

I realized that I'm doing it! I have been off wheat and sugar for a few weeks now and I have been making meals: delicious homemade meals with organic vegetables and protein. I have been writing a story. I have taken a few walks. Wow. It's amazing that letting go of food that's really bad for me is leading to me being able to function at a much higher level.

Ummmmm.....

I signed up for a 10 week body sculpting challenge class. Five days a week early in the morning. But it will be my time. 6:30 - 7:30 am. That's when I can do it with no issues of child care.
I had a little dairy tonight. And I don't know if it led to my overeating later for sure. But I feel like a Hobbit in that I have dinner number one and dinner number two. Plus a bowl of cereal.
I was just so sad. And I'm mad at Margie for dying. So there you go. Time for another round of dinner followed by cereal. That makes sense.


The class starts this Monday.

first spin class

I went to my first spinning class on Sunday.
I made it through 25 minutes before I could no longer remain seated on the bike.
The instructor was very supportive as I tip-toed past her; she told me I'd done a great job for the first time.
On the way home I vacillated between holding onto the sense of hope and forward motion that I'd started out with, and jumping with both feet into despair and isolation.
In the end, I made light of it. I told many people about it.
Next time I will take along my gel bike seat cover.

I had some sugar free dairy tonight and feel icky. But no wheat or sugar for about a week or so. I am starting to feel lighter; my stomach does not feel so heavy (more out than down), and I have a spring in my step. I can walk without feeling like I'm going to keel over.