Ummmmm.....

I signed up for a 10 week body sculpting challenge class. Five days a week early in the morning. But it will be my time. 6:30 - 7:30 am. That's when I can do it with no issues of child care.
I had a little dairy tonight. And I don't know if it led to my overeating later for sure. But I feel like a Hobbit in that I have dinner number one and dinner number two. Plus a bowl of cereal.
I was just so sad. And I'm mad at Margie for dying. So there you go. Time for another round of dinner followed by cereal. That makes sense.


The class starts this Monday.

first spin class

I went to my first spinning class on Sunday.
I made it through 25 minutes before I could no longer remain seated on the bike.
The instructor was very supportive as I tip-toed past her; she told me I'd done a great job for the first time.
On the way home I vacillated between holding onto the sense of hope and forward motion that I'd started out with, and jumping with both feet into despair and isolation.
In the end, I made light of it. I told many people about it.
Next time I will take along my gel bike seat cover.

I had some sugar free dairy tonight and feel icky. But no wheat or sugar for about a week or so. I am starting to feel lighter; my stomach does not feel so heavy (more out than down), and I have a spring in my step. I can walk without feeling like I'm going to keel over.

my friend

so i was out with a friend of mine and we were chatting and she's a quite forthright sort of person -- tells it like she sees it sort of gal -- and i mention that i had come to terms with the fact that i'd been doing a good deal of yelling recently and had needed to apologize to my husband and daughter. i admitted that the driving force behind my discontent was not my situation but that i have been feeling sooooo awful in my own skin because of my food intake and what it's done to my body and mind. i am so heavy and frustrated just walking around the house that if anyone gets in my way or makes things harder to do, i just about lose my mind. so my friend asks well then why have i been eating like crap in the first place. and i answer her that it's because i have a problem. she seemed to appreciate my honesty. she suggested that every time i tell myself that it's ok and that i'm fine, that i may want to do the opposite of what i'm rationalizing. i agreed but added that every time i thought things through and decided that i was fine, that i really believed that i was on the road to recovery and choosing the right path. in short, every time i came to a different conclusion i was sure that this time i had found the answer. but obviously i have been wrong. wow, she agreed, that sounds like a problem. how does that work? so i spent some time talking about the mental mechanisms that surround and propel someone like me around food, and i'm talking about how i'm actually on the right path right now because i have abstained from eating wheat and sugar for one week so far and already my mind and body are beginning to feel better. i say that the next step may be a willingness to follow a food plan, but i am not there yet. and it dawns on me as we're having this conversation over a lunch of sushi... wait for it.... don't get ahead of me here... it dawns on me that i'm eating sushi rice (made with sugar) and dipping it in soy sauce (made with wheat)!
Oh. My. God.
needless to say, i did not mention this to my friend across the table because i just couldn't bear to have her think that i was even more delusional than she realized.

done

I did it. I'm doing it. I'm done.
Done with dieting and not dieting, with trying to control my food and trying to not control my food.
I decided to join the support group and followed that up with a call to a friend in the group to ask for help.
And today I followed the food plan. Not to achieve mastery over anything but as complete surrender. I can not do this any more on my own. I can not buy any more diet books.
I'm done.
234.8 pounds. Yep.
waist 46 1/2 inches. Indeed.
That's what happened to my life.