I had a thought today after I had spoken with some gathered friends about how I am really doing these days - poorly -- that maybe I can't do any better than I'm doing right now. I thought that maybe I am actually operating at my full potential just getting through this much pain.
This occurred to me after I told my friends that I was eating things that make me not be able to breath, and that I had the idea to stop taking my medication (you know, the one that keeps my car on the road) because it doesn't feel like it matters. That's when I realized that I am so very sad. I'm sad and I'm tired. And I talk with other friends and they are not Margie, and no one will ever be Margie but her and she's not here.
And what I've been doing is drawing these lines in the sand with a big stick and pontificating about the merits of following the lines and I just can't. The waves come in and wash them away. And I'm left holding my stick, in the middle of a sentence, more than a little embarrassed by my lack of line.
I tried again to follow a food plan and I did perfectly well until I went out to dinner...
But here's another thing. I don't hate myself and I have not had to eat since I got home. I am not hungry. I ate like crap at the restaurant (let's just say that I'm surprised that I can still breath) but I'm full now. I'm done. And since I don't seem to have much say over this process, I think I'll stop trying to control it and try to enjoy the ride (like a nervous flyer enjoys turbulence perhaps). I wonder what's going to happen to me.

do or die

I am not sure how it came about, but I now know exactly what I have to do. I have a feeling that I won't be able to do it perfectly, but it's the ideal that I will be striving toward. Maybe everything I've been reading lately and everything that I've learned about addiction over the years coalesced into one "unified theory" of my existence.
Sugar and grains. Bad for me. I crave them to the point of insanity. I don't care if I can't breath because I've had wheat too much, I will have more and take an anti-histamine. Weight piling on like there's no tomorrow. All of my old rules being broken without too much regret: fast food drive thrus, donuts, frosted cakes, pizza (not gluten free), giving my daughter the same crap I've been eating.
I hesitated to write it down, my new way of being, because I suspect that by this point I have lost credibility. But, a couple of days in a row of no sugar and no grains and I felt more full of life and less hungry. Of course, I was up almost every hour with my daughter until my husband got up at 6am and woke up the baby. 1 1/2 gluten free bagels later...
I made it until the early afternoon before I and my resolve shredded. But I am not giving up. This is actually a matter of life and death. First emotional and spiritual, and then physical more quickly that one might imagine.

and the pictures continue...

Focus on life. Not on yet another photo of bloat. Where the kelp did I go? Underneath. I slapped on some padding and armoured up for war; the war being the daily grind of a fat housewife. It's harder when you're large. To clarify, large and out of shape. Just getting up is hard. Forget stairs... while carrying a 11 1/2 month old... and having an almost 4 year old and a needing beagle meandering about your shins.
It's physically strenuous and then I am trying to get up the gumption to go to the gym. Or out for a walk. And I fail.
It's not about the food. The food is a symptom of the fact that I have never in my entire life accepted loss. I made it so that it wasn't lost, because I would get it back either in this life or the afterlife or the next life. All that mental juggling to avoid the great big pit of sadness. Bereft is not an emotion I allowed myself to feel. But now I must. Because these things, these people, that time of my life, those dogs, are all gone. And they are not coming back.

Pass the Key Lime Pie!!!

jumping off

This is scary but I am focusing on living and not on what I eat or don't eat. Which is scary because how am I going to know if I'm OK or not? Am I going to blow up even more than I already have? Or is this the solution? I got tagged in a photo on face book and was horrified. Actually that's not the right word; I was so bloated that I was almost impressed by my disguise! Wow. That's what I thought, with a certain amount of awe.
Yesterday I met with a financial guy to begin the process of dealing with my money situation. Today I met with my counsellor for the second time since Margie's passing and we agreed that I can keep on keeping on without therapy for the time being. (I know.... and no, she hasn't read this blog.) After I picked my daughter up from school, we went to the park and sat in the sun with the baby and she played and ran until she was plum tuckered out. I just thought about breathing and being outside and noticing things and appreciating things.
There's the tremor of panic that hums through me occasionally: the fear that if I am not trying to control my food intake in some way, then I am doomed. But there is a photographic evidence trail that flies in the face of that premise. The facts appear to be that the whole time I've been trying to control my food, I have been gaining hugely enormous blobs of fat. It's a wonder my skin still fits.
So... whatever. I can't do this any more. I have to switch my focus and address what's going on in my life.

sitting on a rock in a leisure suit...

I am so screwed. I am so sad. I keep deciding to follow different things and then I can't / won't stick to them, which leads me to find another one. I keep distracting myself with different "solutions" while I overlook the uncomfortable truth of my situation. I am not happy with my compulsion. I wish I didn't feel compelled to use food to "help" my grief and despair. I just realized that I was unable to follow yet another food plan that was going to fix everything.
Here's the list so far:
1. no wheat, dairy or sugar
2. no wheat or sugar
3. no wheat or refined sugar
4. no wheat
5. no wheat for the most part
6. support group with accompanying food plan
7. no carbs after breakfast.

I can't do it. Any of it. And I'm not going to. I am going to actively not do anything.
Not with the food.
Until of course I find #8.

What I would like to try is to do the things on my list. Like going for long walks in nature and learning to fight... blah, blah, blah.

new rules

I am so sad. I feel bereft. Margie's voice is getting fainter in my mind. I feel as if she is fading into the distance. And I can't get her back. Time is moving forward and she is not. Her memorial is tomorrow. I have been trying to comfort myself with food and it has not been working. There is temporary distraction followed by the discomfort of a distended stomach and aching knees. I remember a show about a bedridden morbidly obese man: he was talking about when he became unable to walk. He was making dinner one night and he turned around to do something and his knee gave out. It broke under his weight. Then he couldn't move around at all and more weight piled on. I fear this when I walk up or down the stairs and feel my knees groaning under the strain. I feel my stomach hanging down over my hips and thighs. That had never happened before! I realize that I do not know how to live without using food to sedate myself and that I could end up dead. I relate to the morbidly obese people on the reality shows. I can see so clearly that happening in my life. Despair sets in and the insanity that food will make it better becomes entrenched. And then you are screwed. It's alcoholism with food. It's an addiction that kills. And I'm on that path.
So I've made a decision. I am going to a support group for over eaters and I am following a food plan. I started the food plan today. It's about just eating in a way that is healthy without trying to decide for awhile. At some point I may be able to eat "free style" but not now. Not while I am in this much pain and confusion. I suppose that I could continue to try to listen for the healthy cues underneath the screaming demand for relief in the form of pie, but how much weight do I want to gain during the process?
I am not going to think too much about where this will lead or what's next or whether I'll be on a food plan for the rest of my life. I am just going to follow the plan one meal at a time.
Will I ever have sugar again? Not a pertinent issue for today.
What about wheat? Doesn't really matter right now.
And, I am not going to weigh myself at the moment, because I do not need numbers banging around the inside of my head for the rest of the month.