new rules

I am so sad. I feel bereft. Margie's voice is getting fainter in my mind. I feel as if she is fading into the distance. And I can't get her back. Time is moving forward and she is not. Her memorial is tomorrow. I have been trying to comfort myself with food and it has not been working. There is temporary distraction followed by the discomfort of a distended stomach and aching knees. I remember a show about a bedridden morbidly obese man: he was talking about when he became unable to walk. He was making dinner one night and he turned around to do something and his knee gave out. It broke under his weight. Then he couldn't move around at all and more weight piled on. I fear this when I walk up or down the stairs and feel my knees groaning under the strain. I feel my stomach hanging down over my hips and thighs. That had never happened before! I realize that I do not know how to live without using food to sedate myself and that I could end up dead. I relate to the morbidly obese people on the reality shows. I can see so clearly that happening in my life. Despair sets in and the insanity that food will make it better becomes entrenched. And then you are screwed. It's alcoholism with food. It's an addiction that kills. And I'm on that path.
So I've made a decision. I am going to a support group for over eaters and I am following a food plan. I started the food plan today. It's about just eating in a way that is healthy without trying to decide for awhile. At some point I may be able to eat "free style" but not now. Not while I am in this much pain and confusion. I suppose that I could continue to try to listen for the healthy cues underneath the screaming demand for relief in the form of pie, but how much weight do I want to gain during the process?
I am not going to think too much about where this will lead or what's next or whether I'll be on a food plan for the rest of my life. I am just going to follow the plan one meal at a time.
Will I ever have sugar again? Not a pertinent issue for today.
What about wheat? Doesn't really matter right now.
And, I am not going to weigh myself at the moment, because I do not need numbers banging around the inside of my head for the rest of the month.