one day at a time

After a long absence from this blog, I am back with an update. It turns out that I've chosen a time consuming task. The image in the mirror is the tip of the iceburg. Why do you eat after you're full? Why don't you exercise? If the answers are truly that the food tastes good and that you don't have time, then any number of diets will work for you. The truth is that most reasonable food plans will help you lose weight if you stick to them.
If the answers to these questions lie deeper than temporary comfort or convenience, if you find that you cannot choose wisely even when you "want" to, if there is a block that is more powerful than the urge to change, then you may have a problem that is not going to be solved by a new book. Unless the new book is about changing your mind first, then letting your body change. I'm following a new plan myself.
I'm in counselling again, I'm attending on-line support group meetings, and I'm reading a helpful book. But there are many good books out there to address the inside. They've been around for awhile but they're getting more attention these days as the obesity epidemic has the country bursting out of its fat jeans.

i am still doing it!

OK. Here's what I've done. I have abstained from wheat for awhile now. I messed around with the health food wheat free desserts and felt like crap. I am not talking about emotionally, I mean physically. Immediately. Well, the next morning I had to hold onto the dresser and bedpost to hoist myself into a somewhat standing position. And then I get the idea that what I need is more sugar. Yes. But I did not act on that idea.
So far.
In other news, I went swimming yesterday with my daughter at the YMCA. And then I went again today. I didn't think I was doing much but whoa! After I got out of the pool, I could really feel that my muscles were fatigued. I was just jumping around in my own personal water aerobics self led class, and then did some ballet barre work, then a couple of laps... you know... nothing much. Except that I was in there for about an hour and I am sore now.
So swimming: check.
Making wonderful meals from fresh organic food: check -- not every meal but a lot.
Writing down the stories in my head: check
I think that next I'll try going for a long walk in nature.

And what did it take to get me here?
Realizing that I don't have to be able to eat sugar like a normal person, and that there are others out there like me who can't do it either. And talking to them.
Knowing that I'm not alone.
That's what it took.
And now I'm crossing things off my list that were just idle musings before.

Soon you'll be reading about me in a national newspaper:
"Fat Housewife Saves Orphans from a Burning Fire!"
"Fat Housewife Foils Dastardly Plot by Evil Nemesis!"

well... I'm not doing that.

I just re-read my previous entry about the 10 week body sculpting class. And well... I'm not doing that. That was not a good fit. The good news is that it took only 5-7 minutes for me to figure it out and I hadn't paid anyone any money.

I'm doing it!

I realized that I'm doing it! I have been off wheat and sugar for a few weeks now and I have been making meals: delicious homemade meals with organic vegetables and protein. I have been writing a story. I have taken a few walks. Wow. It's amazing that letting go of food that's really bad for me is leading to me being able to function at a much higher level.

Ummmmm.....

I signed up for a 10 week body sculpting challenge class. Five days a week early in the morning. But it will be my time. 6:30 - 7:30 am. That's when I can do it with no issues of child care.
I had a little dairy tonight. And I don't know if it led to my overeating later for sure. But I feel like a Hobbit in that I have dinner number one and dinner number two. Plus a bowl of cereal.
I was just so sad. And I'm mad at Margie for dying. So there you go. Time for another round of dinner followed by cereal. That makes sense.


The class starts this Monday.

first spin class

I went to my first spinning class on Sunday.
I made it through 25 minutes before I could no longer remain seated on the bike.
The instructor was very supportive as I tip-toed past her; she told me I'd done a great job for the first time.
On the way home I vacillated between holding onto the sense of hope and forward motion that I'd started out with, and jumping with both feet into despair and isolation.
In the end, I made light of it. I told many people about it.
Next time I will take along my gel bike seat cover.

I had some sugar free dairy tonight and feel icky. But no wheat or sugar for about a week or so. I am starting to feel lighter; my stomach does not feel so heavy (more out than down), and I have a spring in my step. I can walk without feeling like I'm going to keel over.

my friend

so i was out with a friend of mine and we were chatting and she's a quite forthright sort of person -- tells it like she sees it sort of gal -- and i mention that i had come to terms with the fact that i'd been doing a good deal of yelling recently and had needed to apologize to my husband and daughter. i admitted that the driving force behind my discontent was not my situation but that i have been feeling sooooo awful in my own skin because of my food intake and what it's done to my body and mind. i am so heavy and frustrated just walking around the house that if anyone gets in my way or makes things harder to do, i just about lose my mind. so my friend asks well then why have i been eating like crap in the first place. and i answer her that it's because i have a problem. she seemed to appreciate my honesty. she suggested that every time i tell myself that it's ok and that i'm fine, that i may want to do the opposite of what i'm rationalizing. i agreed but added that every time i thought things through and decided that i was fine, that i really believed that i was on the road to recovery and choosing the right path. in short, every time i came to a different conclusion i was sure that this time i had found the answer. but obviously i have been wrong. wow, she agreed, that sounds like a problem. how does that work? so i spent some time talking about the mental mechanisms that surround and propel someone like me around food, and i'm talking about how i'm actually on the right path right now because i have abstained from eating wheat and sugar for one week so far and already my mind and body are beginning to feel better. i say that the next step may be a willingness to follow a food plan, but i am not there yet. and it dawns on me as we're having this conversation over a lunch of sushi... wait for it.... don't get ahead of me here... it dawns on me that i'm eating sushi rice (made with sugar) and dipping it in soy sauce (made with wheat)!
Oh. My. God.
needless to say, i did not mention this to my friend across the table because i just couldn't bear to have her think that i was even more delusional than she realized.